3 words: Vegas. Fantasy. Draft.

This is exactly what it sounds like..but a little pretense:

So my boy Charlie, one of my oldest childhood friends, came home from a semester studying in Spain.  We caught up. We told funny stories that spanned two continents. And then we somehow landed on the following hypothetical:

If you had to pick any five living celebrities to take with you to be your crew in Las Vegas, who would it be?

So then we talked about it, threw around some hypotheticals…and then (because we’re nerds) actually DID a draft with our two other dude friends (our boys David and Steve). Snake fashion, five rounds, draft positions pulled out of a hat….and this is a round-by-round analysis of what happened.

Round 1:

The picks worked out as such: Brian, Charlie, David, Steve..and then reversed.

1. Brian-Donald Glover/Childish Gambino (actor/rapper/comedian)

2. Charlie-Kanye West (rapper/dude that likes to wear the same color pants and shirts)

3. David-Tucker Max (expert on funny stories an d-baggery/”author”)

4. Steve-Robert Downey Jr. (actor/former coke addict)

Strong first round…really looked like we may have a competition on our hands. Glover may be a slight reach at #1, but he’s a safe pick. Part comedian (keeping you laughing/entertained) part rapper (he knows how to party).

Devastated that I took Glover, Charlie grabbed the guy who was second on my big board. You know Kanye knows his way around a club, but will also keep you laughing (unintentionally). If he can let go of the Kardashian strangle hold, he’s the Adrian Peterson of this draft.

(And if not? He’s Adrian Peterson coming off a devastating knee injury late in the season….oh wait)

David went with a bit of a wild card in Max…but if the dude can actually live up to his stories (and not get you kicked out of the club for d-baggery) he’s not a bad choice.

Steve went with Downey Jr. on this premise: “sure I know he’s old, but he’d be fun to hang out with…and if he ever fell off the wagon, he’d be so much more fun to hang out with.” You can’t argue with that reasoning.

Round 2:

5. Steve-Jay Z (rapper/Blue Ivy’s dad)

6. David-Kate Upton (Australian supermodel/…nope, that’s about it)

7. Charlie-Michelle Beadle (TV personality/possibly one of the coolest girls ever)

8. Brian-Ke$ha (“Singer”/crazed party-goer)

Things take a turn for the slightly more weird…Steve’s group may be a little bit (well kind of a lot) older, but think of it as seasoned! They probably won’t fall asleep at 11:30..right? Anyone? (crickets)

David made his pick by finding a picture of “that one hot girl” on his phone and saying ‘I CHOOSE HER!!’ really defiantly. Does she know how to party? No clue. Didn’t she just turn 18? Yup. When asked about what would happen when Upton leaves the first club at 10:30 (when Max tries to hit on her by saying she can be the subject of his next book: Hanging on to Fame) and promises that she’ll “check in later that night”, he simply responds ‘Come oooon… that wouldn’t happen’. Right dude, you’re totally….right….

Charlie went Beadle. The reaction in the room was an audible gasp. It was a great, underrated pick. Not quite a sleeper, because you just have this feeling that she’s a great addition to the group, but someone where you say “Beadle? Yeah she would help you close down the strip at 3 in the morning while possibly avoiding a police officer/security guard.”

I picked Ke$ha on two basic premises:

  1. Ke$ha likes glitter.
  2. Ke$ha like to party

And that’s really it. She won’t leave the group like Kate Upton, because she’s too addicted to partying and guys that look like Mick Jagger. I stand by this pick.

Round 3.

9. Brian-Vince Vaughn (actor/gentleman of leisure)

10. Charlie-Jason Segel (actor/comedian/apparently a dude that dates around)

11. David-Josh Hamilton (center fielder for the Texas Rangers/former drug addict)

12. Steve-Adam Devine (aka the dude in Workaholics that’s not the long haired guy or the no fun guy)

This is where things just went haywire. I’m going to be honest. I’ve made fun of most of the other guys’ picks, and now it’s my turn. The Vaughn pick was one made out of panic. I had Segel higher up on my board. I wanted a relatable funny man, and the clock was almost at zero…so I just blurted out Vince Vaughn. I mean, he was in Swingers, Wedding Crashers and Old School, so he probably knows his way around a good time, but there were still a lot of solid picks on my board ahead of him (including my last two)…I feel ashamed.

Charlie, yet again, takes a guy off my board. Segel is a solid glue guy…can probably get along with anyone else that you draft (very similar to Beadle). He has the makings of a solid  squad right now.

David’s Josh Hamilton pick came with the comment “I really want to be there if the train comes off the tracks.” Okay…so you pick a dude who either is a sober evangelist, and makes you go to church on Sunday…or you’ll wake up with sleeve tattoos and not remember getting them.

We all can see where Steve was going with the pick…but let’s be honest, that dude would have been there later. I just couldn’t really sign off on taking him in the third round.

Round 4

13. Steve-Shaquille O’Neal (former NBA center/current professional mumbler)

14. David-Neil Patrick Harris (actor/likes to tweet pictures of food)

15. Charlie-Russell Brand (comedian/actor/British dude)

16. Brian- Rob Gronkowski (tight end, Patriots/bro)

I may not have been on board with the Devine pick…but Shaq is solid. Humorous. Can tell funny stories. Is twice as big as any bouncer he may face. Just don’t ask him to analyze games with Chuck and Kenny, and you’re golden.

David seemed to have picked NPH because of his alter ego Barney Stinson. I just want the record to show that this guy was talking about which mini-van to buy on Twitter not too long ago.

Brand is a wild card. I can’t stop shaking the feeling that he’s exactly like his character in Get Him to the Greek. You know, the hard partying, drug using British dude who convinced (previously fat) Jonah Hill into doing ridiculous things. But he may also be a little too crazy….may kill the vibe Kanye/Beadle/Segel put out.

This is an exact transcript after picking Gronkowski:


That’s about it. I just won. Go ahead, and just look up Gronkowski stories. They’re all glorious. Every single one.

Round 5:

17. Brian-Justin Timberlake (singer/actor/the original Justin Bieber/dude that made nonprescription glasses cool before Russell Westbrook)

18. Charlie-Mike Tyson (you probably wouldn’t be reading if you don’t know who this is)

19. David-“The dude that plays Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory” (dude that plays Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory)

 20. Steve-Metta World Peace (Ron Artest/basketball player/one time amateur street fighter)

This all happened. I was so happy with my last two picks, both of which I made in about 2 seconds, that I literally did a small “I just won the draft” jig. If you wouldn’t hang out with Donald Glover, Ke$ha, Vince Vaughn, Gronkowski and JT…we probably shouldn’t be friends.

MIKE TYSON. The wild card of wild cards. I told Charlie that, if he doesn’t have a half-way drunk conversation about pidgins with him, it’s the biggest missed opportunity of all time. His last two picks make me a little worried…it’s like drafting two guys who will single handedly win or lose you the competition. But the core of Kanye, Beadle and Segel should hold it together….unless things just get too weird.

Steve comes out with a last pick sleeper. I really love the Artest pick. He’s insane, but not in a Tyson/talks to animals way. This is a man who claimed he drank during halftime of Chicago Bulls games, just to keep it real. Call back of Team Steve: Downey Jr., Jay-Z, Adam Devine, Shaq, Ron Ron. Not really a team that would hang out…but this is why man invented fantasy sports (and the 2004 US Olympic basketball team).

David…well….he had a draft. I’m not going to explicitly say that his team is probably the worst…but you can make your own judgement: Tucker Max, Kate Upton, Josh Hamilton, NPH and Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory….

Yup, that’s a team.

Was that worth 2 hours of a Monday night? Absolutely. We’re probably going to go anther five rounds at some point..like when all the girls in our lives leave us and we’re just sitting on a couch with a beer doing bro-like things.


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