You’re Welcome Jerry Bruckheimer

So with the re-start of the tournament today, it got me thinking. I love sports movies, especially the motivational Disney-type “based on a true story” movies. One thing that I have noticed is that other than “Glory Road” (which has it’s own, race issue related niche), there are no Disney sports movies about March Madness.

(Side note: why is there not a Disney Sports division of Disney World?  I mean there are some solid Disney Sports movies: Remember the Titans, Miracle, Air Bud….Brink! There’s some sort of money to be made here, right?!?)

Anyway, I think we need to capitalize on this. So here I am to cast for a Disney movie about an underdog that wins the hearts of the viewers…. you’re welcome Jerry Bruckheimer.

Barack Obama-Head Coach

I thought to myself, who is inspiring enough to coach a scrappy underdog college basketball team. Denzel’s done it (Remember the Titans), Samuel L. Jackson has done it (Coach Carter), so I think Barack is the next logical choice. Unrealistic, you say? Well I say nay. Obviously he’s a little busy, but I mean the man loves his basketball, can make awesomely motivational half time speeches and can teach his solid crossover.

Done and done.

Andre (Benjamin) 3000-Star Player

We need a guy who’s just a little older, can probably pass as a troubled player that transferred from a bigger school with a checkered past. While you may be questioning my choice, I beg to differ. Have you ever seen the movie Four Brothers? Well I may be biased, but it’s awesome. And he is very good in it. And also, this is an ensemble piece, so let’s not get carried away picking apart the choice.

Drake-Point guard

BRINGING HIM OUT OF RETIREMENT. Wheelchair Jimmy (not to be confused with Wheelchair Kenny) is going to be a heady point guard that makes very good in-game decisions. Possibly also the son of the coach.

Shia LaBeouf-Complimentary player

Oh no? OH YEA The former Disney star makes his glorious homecoming as the team’s best player before Benjamin’s character arrived. Probably has a drinking problem and causes problems with the rest of the team before admitting his demons and playing for the team.

Cuba Gooding Jr.-Team Manager

Old Cuba is going to be the guy that gives viewers a little bit of comic relief, cracks wise and keeps the tension on the team down. And let’s be honest. Out of all of these guys, Cuba’s already signed up. He was ready to film yesterday.

Assorted cast members from The Wire-Team fillers

The Wire is (apparently) a really good show, we need more actors. Done and done.

Boogie Cousins, Javele McGee, Monta Ellis, Chandler Parsons-Members of the opposing final team.

Why these specific guys, you ask? Well Boogie and Monta because they’re tatted up and can play a good villain. McGee for a little bit of Space Jam like comic relief, and Parsons….because he can fill the d-bag role to perfection. He has the hair, and definitely has the sneer.

Okay Disney. I’ve done half your work for you. I’m expecting a check for royalties. I know you’re hurting for ideas…but I really hope you don’t see this and actually think it sounds like a good idea.